Open Truth
Treat Toxicity with Truth (Part 3 of 8)
Toxic relationships, by their very nature and name, cause harm. Someone who is “toxic” wreaks havoc in the relationship. The “toxic” individual may strike blows to the relationship in any number of ways. We’ve described the problem (in post 1). We’ve illustrated the problem (in post 2) by examining the attitudes and actions of some of the Corinthians towards the Apostle Paul. For the rest of this series (posts 3 through 8), we will consider the way forward. As we seek to be at peace as far as it depends on us, what specific attitudes and actions should characterize our approach? Paul shows us the way. He treats the disease of toxicity by applying heavy doses of many prescription pills. The first biblically prescribed pill is truth.
We aim to please God by suppressing our self-focus and by committing ourselves to what Christ calls us to. Jesus Christ, who is the Truth (John 14:6), calls us to speak the truth openly. The Apostle Paul learned from the Apostle Jesus Christ (Hebrews 3:1). From Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians, three features of truth-telling present themselves to us.
Speak the Truth Openly
Because our foundational commitment is to Christ, who was not ashamed to speak the truth openly, we do not shrink back from speaking the truth. Paul affirms this commitment, “But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God’s word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God” (4:2). Our first commitment is to the truth of God’s Word. We please God by speaking the truth to others even when they don’t want to hear it or they stubbornly deny it. By the mercy of God, Paul is emboldened to renounce “disgraceful, underhanded ways” (v. 2). Literally, he’s saying that he has forbidden himself from using “hidden things of shame” (that is, shameful and secret things). Those are general descriptors on which he expounds as he continues. He contrasts the secret ways of the deceivers with his openness. He says that he is not walking in “cunning” (ESV reads “practice”). Rather than keeping the true message a secret, Paul puts before all people the “open statement of the gospel,” or literally, “the manifestation of the truth” (v. 2). Paul loves the truth. It was the Truth who set him free. This freeing message, therefore, must be out in the open. Everyone needs to hear it. The openness of the gospel light is what people need for their salvation. If it’s sufficient for their salvation, it’s good enough for their sanctification. We mustn’t hide that light under a bushel—no! It’s the truth that changes. It’s the truth that people need. So, it’s the truth that we must give them. If that hard (toxic?) relationship has any chance of restoration, the truth must be the dominant feature. We must be committed to speaking God’s Word and seeing how God will transform the relationship through his truth. We don’t turn to the toxic tactics and traits often used: gaslighting, manipulation, rejection of the truth. We turn to the inspired Word of God to speak into every aspect of our lives: our thoughts, words, and actions.
Speak the Truth Humbly
At the same time, we remain committed to humility in all our conversations. Yes, we strive to treat the harm with the salve that is God’s truth. But we also do so with all humility. Paul says, “We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart” (5:12). Here is where Paul’s attitude contrasts with how some people want us to act towards toxic people. Remember that the toxic behaviors leave the person feeling drained, unhappy, and they often undermine his/her sense of self-worth. This is a big problem as the world sees it. That is to say, nothing, and no one!, should get in the way of protecting your self-worth, your self-esteem, or your “mental health.” You are priority number one, the world says. But Paul tells us that such a view of the self is misguided. It’s flat-out wrong, actually. He models for us how to approach hard and harmful relationships, even while remaining committed to the open statement of the truth.
We move forward in our relationships not commending ourselves. We move forward in our relationships not judging by outward appearances but by what is truly in the heart. This means that even those on the offended/hurt side of a relationship can learn from the difficulties. They can learn dependence on God, the value of God’s Word, his sustaining care through trials, and even gain a better sense of their own imperfections and need to grow more and more into the head which is Christ. So-called toxic relationships aren’t all bad, even if we’re tempted to throw them in the dumpster. Redemptive purposes abound. Knowledge of God, a clearer view of self, and countless other benefits can be the fruit of a humble assessment of one’s own conduct in the relationship. What lies in the heart is truer than what lies on the surface (1 Samuel 16:7). Man focuses on the outward; God, the inward. When we’re committed to the truth, we’re committed to the inward. We humble ourselves to be shaped by God’s Word, and we open ourselves up to the possibility that God is at work in our lives and theirs.
Speak the Truth Charitably
Finally, to remain committed to the truth means humility, and this humility translates into a charitable spirit. We remain open to change. We remain open to being wrong. We remain open to what God may do in a relationship founded on grace. Consider Paul’s words again, “From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (5:16-17). Key in on those words “according to the flesh.” Connect them to “the old has passed away.” What’s Paul saying? He is saying that he views these professing believers as believers! To view someone according to the flesh is to view him not as a new creature in Christ Jesus. It is to see that person as still walking in the old ways. In fact, it is to declare, “The old remains! The new has not yet come!”
Paul may have been tempted to view these Corinthians in this way. After all, where was the fruit? If it was on the tree, it was hard to find. Nevertheless, in his opening words (and throughout the letter), he views them as new creatures in Christ Jesus. He calls them saints (1:1). He refers to them as his letters of recommendation, evidence of his own apostolic calling (3:1-2). He practices what he preaches in his first letter, that love believes all things (1 Corinthians 13:7). He gives the Corinthians the benefit of grace.
We must fight hard against the temptation to condemn that relationship to Hell, reasoning, “Well, he’s toxic, and so he must be an unbeliever; therefore, I don’t need this relationship in my life any longer.” Even if that person is an unbeliever, Christ calls us to love them, doesn’t he? Nevertheless, we proceed charitably by operating according to their confession. Does he say he’s a believer? Does she view herself as a new creature in Christ Jesus? Very well, view them as one, and move forward with the common ground: the Word of God. This takes us back to the ground of our hope. It is in God’s nature to reconcile, restore, and work grace into our relationships. Since we are new creatures in Christ, and Christ is at work in us through his Spirit, surely this opens up a whole world of reconciliation possible in that relationship. We do well, then, to remain committed to the truth, openly, humbly, and charitably.
*For a breakout session on this topic that preceded this series of articles, see: Toxicity Treated.
To watch and listen, see: Breakout 1: Relationships in a Psychologized Culture (Michael Mock).
Rev. Dr. Michael Mock is the Pastor of Grace Presbyterian Church (PCA) in Fresno, CA and an ACBC-certified Biblical Counselor. He’s the author of Hey, Dad, Why Do We…?: Kids Ask the Greatest Questions, Old Testament Introduction and Workbook, New Testament Introduction and Workbook, and Comfort from Corinthians: A Devotional Walkthrough of 2nd Corinthians for Sinful and Struggling Saints. You can find his books here: Amazon.com: Dr. Michael D. Mock: books, biography, latest update.