Sola Familia
When Family Ties Divide
The pastor had finished opening up the meeting with a devotional, now ready to work through the agreed-upon agenda, when one of the elders (let’s call him Lance) stopped him and declared to the pastor, “I have written something, and I want to read it to you.” The pastor (let’s call him Randall), somewhat surprised but avoiding strict obedience to the agenda, gave Lance the floor to speak. Lance opened up his folder, pulled out a two-page letter (double-sided), and spoke. He told Randall that he was going to read his letter, because he was struggling to maintain self-control. Evidently, something the pastor had done infuriated Lance.
Lance calmly read the letter to Randall in the presence of all the other elders now subjected to overhearing this one-on-one confrontation. Near the end of the letter, Randall learned how he offended Lance, and apparently some of the other elders in the room. Randall had offended (let’s call him) Esau. And in offending Esau, Randall offended and enraged Lance. Lance cited Esau’s apparent history of faithful service to God and country, then said, “Randall, if I had to choose between following you or Esau, either on a physical or spiritual battlefield, I would follow Esau every time.”
What was Randall’s response? Word has it that he simply thanked Lance for sharing his honest thoughts and carried on with the meeting by returning to the first item on the agenda. Perhaps he should’ve asked Lance, “Does this mean that you can no longer in good conscience support me as the pastor? If so, are you this very evening resigning from the office of elder?” Perhaps he should’ve let Lance take the meeting in a completely different direction: hearing out Lance’s accusation and either repenting of his great offense or defending himself from the charge.
Was Lance justified in calling out Randall? Lance sure thought so. Randall didn’t consider the confrontation valid. A stalemate, but over what issue? What was the charge? During the previous month’s elders meeting, we learn that the pastor had asked Esau to step down from being an elder. Bold move. He did this in front of all the elders, offering an outline of his reasons why Esau was no longer (if ever) fit to govern with the other men. Instead of initiating a trial, he simply, calmly pleaded with Esau to consider his own conduct in light of the evidence, and to weigh seriously whether or not he should continue as an elder.
Was Randall justified in calling out Esau? Randall sure thought so. Lance clearly didn’t, nor did Esau. But what brought Lance to a boil was Randall’s audacity and obvious (to Lance) lack of love to urge Esau to reconsider his fitness to the office of elder. A stalemate.
This stalemate cracked the church. This is how the Session (the group of elders) split. This is how the Diaconate (the group of Deacons) split. This is how the church split.
Now, we could spend the rest of this space here summarizing the concerns of each person involved: Randall, Lance, Esau, and the other elders. But that would prove pointless. How could you or I possibly adjudicate such an internal matter? We couldn’t, and it wouldn’t be wise to do so. Indeed, doing so might open us up to charges of being a bunch of busybodies or a gaggle of gossips.
Instead, let’s see this as a single (but not isolated) instance of a precious Sola in the Church today: Sola Familia. If you’ve walked the Reformed and Presbyterian neighborhood a time or two, you know the 5 Solas of the Reformation: Sola Scriptura, Sola Gratia, Sola Fide, Solus Christus, and Soli Deo Gloria. These are beloved biblical truths that ground our faith and union with Jesus Christ, the only Redeemer of God’s elect.
But the unofficial Sola rooted in many people’s hearts is Sola Familia, which is essentially a person’s (or group’s) commitment to a friend or family member over truth, often resulting in this person’s or this group’s avoidance or downplaying of real sin. A well-respected elder in the PCA remarked that this Family Rule has affected countless churches in his decades of experience. So many sessions, diaconates, and groups of church members will rally behind a certain person against the one who exposed that person’s true conduct. Sometimes the pastor is guilty. Too often, however, the pastor is forced to leave because he exposed the sin in the camp, and many of the camp leaders set him ablaze rather than extinguishing the real fire.
I remember ministering in a church set in a military town. There was a phrase often used by some of the retired military personnel: Permanent Party. This referred to the group of soldiers that stayed behind in a zone/location to aid all the comings and goings of other help. That is to say, certain soldiers would link up with the Permanent Party, fight together, but then they left to fight elsewhere. But the Permanent Party was, well, permanent. They were committed to the area.
This permanence, if we’re not careful, can lead to pride and entitlement. You can hear this group reason, “We’re unlike everyone else, who’s coming and going. We’re staying. We’re important. This place needs us. Because we’re staying and more invested here, we should have more influence in what happens here.” If we’re not careful, then everyone not part of the Permanent Party will go (must go!) if they threaten the group. The Permanent Party’s profession is Sola Familia.
What’s the diagnosis? Arrogance, of course. An over-inflated self-estimation. But also, it’s a fear of man and not a fear of the LORD that fuels the hearts and hands of people who keep Sola Familia close to their chests. People who operate this way have twisted truth from God’s Word. They’ve perverted passages of inspired revelation.
They’ve sullied Psalm 86:11, which says, “Teach me thy way, O Lord; I will walk in thy truth: Unite my heart to fear thy name” now to read, “We will teach you our ways; you will walk in our truth: you will unite your hearts to fear our name.”
They’ve corrupted 2 Corinthians 5:11, which says, “Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others” now to read, “Therefore, fearing man, we persuade the Lord to be on our side.”
When we remain loyal to our family and friends at the expense of truth, we ruin everything. The potential for destruction is catastrophic. Sessions split. Diaconates dissolve. Churches crash. The father of lies is happy to see this. But when the name of the Truth is dishonored, everyone loses. You might have your Permanent Party, but in the end, it will be only a pity party. You may have your Familia, but if this family blood is not tied to the blood of Christ, you will bleed out and die in damnation. The truth hits hard sometimes. It was our Lord Jesus, Truth Himself, who drew the lines for us.
Matthew 10:37-38: “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.”
and
Luke 14:26: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.”
Sometimes taking up your cross means being crucified by Sola Familia. So be it. Unite my heart to fear thy name, O Lord!
Rev. Dr. Michael Mock is the Pastor of Grace Presbyterian Church (PCA) in Fresno, CA and an ACBC-certified Biblical Counselor. He’s the author of Hey, Dad, Why Do We…?: Kids Ask the Greatest Questions, Old Testament Introduction and Workbook, New Testament Introduction and Workbook, Comfort from Corinthians: A Devotional Walkthrough of 2nd Corinthians for Sinful and Struggling Saints, and A Confessional Marriage: Marriage Based on the Firm Foundation and a Faithful Confession. You can find his books here: Amazon.com: Dr. Michael D. Mock: books, biography, latest update.